The Computer is on. What are the Children Doing?

 ‘Forbidden fruit’ is powerfully alluring, especially for teenagers. Researchers have discovered that when children and adolescents are ‘forbidden’ from drugs, media consumption, and even certain peer relationships, they will resist those limits and assert their independence. If you tell a teen not to do something you almost ensure that as soon as your back is turned, they’ll be experimenting, investigating, poking, prodding, inhaling, swallowing, or otherwise trying to experience whatever was just deemed contraband.

The super-peer of the media is addictive, influencing an entire generation of teenagers into accepting whatever norms those behind the messages seek to perpetuate.

This is partly due to teenagers’ basic desire for autonomy.

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

Another reason is that humans’ pre-frontal cortex (which is the part of our brain responsible for executive function and forward planning) does not fully develop until our early twenties. Lacking the neurologically advanced development that adults possess, our teens seem all too enthusiastic to chase after whatever we suggest would be best given a wide berth. This is especially the case when they sense their autonomy is being threatened. The more dictatorial our approach, the more enticing the forbidden fruit.

To add complexity to a challenging situation, as teens develop, their willingness to accept parental influence diminishes at the same rate as their increased acceptance of peer influence. Mum and Dad become restrictive while peers offer limitless opportunities for exploration and discovery.

Of all the peers that have an impact on our children’s decisions, there is one that is ubiquitous, pervasive, and all-too-often insidious. The media acts as a super-peer and influences our children with more effect than the most persuasive of teenagers’ normal peers.  The super-peer is subtle. The super-peer rarely explicitly demands that teens conform to a given ideal. Rather, it presents models of the ‘good life’ and teens follow the direction laid out for them without question. While the influence of the super-peer can be positive, it can also be frighteningly negative.

The super-peer of the media is addictive, stimulating, rewarding, and even intoxicating. As teenagers become increasingly enmeshed in a world saturated with carefully crafted messages about what is desirable and what is not, the super-peer influences an entire generation of teenagers into accepting whatever norms those behind the messages seek to perpetuate.

Yesterday I spoke at a media luncheon about a study conducted by McAfee and independent research body TNP which was released this week that exposes just how powerful the reach of the super-peer is. 500 Aussie teens and 500 Aussie parents were questioned about the way the Internet is used in our families. (You can read more, and see a great info-graphic on the research right here.)

Australian teenagers access the online world close to four hours every day via laptops, tablets and smart phones. That is four hours of online exposure to a world with minimal regulation and with essentially unquestioned capacity for influence. While in that virtual world they are often productive, regularly using the Internet for study purposes, however at least 22% admit to being exposed to unwanted sexual content and a slightly smaller percentage of teens intentionally seek such material out.

Source: sickfacebook.com

McAfee’s research shows that 80% of parents say that they are talking with their children about their online activities and the potential dangers of the Internet and media. But based on what teens say they’re doing online, the message is not getting through, or the forbidden fruit is too stimulating, too tantalising, and all too desirable. The super-peer holds all the aces of influence.

In the McAfee study, kids admit to accessing inappropriate, violent, sexual, and degrading content and deleting browser histories or working around other security controls. They also admit that much of what they do online is secret, and they enter into a covenant of silence with other teens in order to keep knowledge of their activities from parents.

If 80% of parents are talking with their teens about their online world and yet teens are still chasing the forbidden fruit, consuming it, and keeping it secret, perhaps parents need to learn new skills, and new ways of communicating with their children.

In an ideal world those involved in promoting material designed for adolescent consumption through various media forms including music, marketing, movies, and the web should be encouraged to provide messages that promote healthy developmental and sexuality. The unprecedented access our children have to sexual material in the present generation has never been seen before in the history of the world. It has also never been so depraved and readily accessible for any and all to see – and it seems that many of our teens are taking full advantage of this.

Keeping a PC in an open space is no longer enough to protect children from material that will change their neural wiring, change the way they relate to others physically, and potentially change the course of their lives. The McAfee study shows that large percentages of children now access illicit material via laptops, i-pads, tablets, and smart phones, usually with no technological limits or filters installed.

In the absence of an ideal world, the secret online world of teens is a growing concern for parents in the 21st century. Here are three simple solutions that will go a long way towards protecting our children.

1. Talk a little, listen a lot. Communication should be teen-centred, straight forward, and honest. Asking teens to explain what they do online, what they know about what exists and how it might affect them will lead to more effective self-monitoring and self-imposed limits. As parents we can guide teens by filling in the gaps of their understanding. But the most effective communication we can have with our teens regarding Internet safety and the influence of the super-peer involves listening, listening, and more listening.
2. We should limit the use of limits. Too many limits and restrictions can make forbidden fruit even more appealing, and increase the influence of the super peer. The ubiquity of the Internet and the media more generally will not change. Attempts to ban access will only promote underhanded and devious behaviour when parents aren’t watching. Some limits are necessary, but they should be collaboratively determined.
3. Finally, POS (parent over shoulder). While helicopter parenting is restrictive and should be avoided, parents should be involved in their teens’ online world. That means utilising technology that helps you see their digital footprint, monitor messages, and highlights search histories. Be involved in their digital world by friending them on facebook, checking their history, and asking them to teach you about skype, google plus, tumblr, and more.

Parents, policy-makers, and those who provide media content of all types have a responsibility to work to keep children safe and to minimise their exposure to material that may cause long-term harm. In so doing, the influence of the super-peer may be tempered and teens may pause and think about whether that forbidden fruit is really worth the risk.

How to Have a Perfect Morning with the Kids

Source: timcoulson.com

Sunday morning I did something different to normal. My Type A personality means that my mornings generally start at somewhere between 4am and 5am (yes, even on Saturday and Sunday). I don't have time for that sleep-in stuff. I've got blogs to write, books to read, a bike to ride, a business to build, and whatever else. Life is short. Get lots done. That's how I roll.

for that brief few minutes on a Sunday morning as the sun streamed through the windows, we were one of those families in the magazines.

But on Sunday I changed all of that.

It was 7.30 when I realised I'd somehow slept through the alarm (or forgotten to set it). Lilli, my two year-old was giggling with her mum in bed next to me. I'm not sure there's a more pure, delightful sound than a toddler laughing and being cuddled. I savoured it for a minute and then Annie, aged four, sleepily meandered into our room and hopped up onto the bed next to me.

I reached for her hand and started to draw a little circle in her palm.

Round and round the garden, like a teddy bear...

Annie was already giggling. By the time my fingers had taken their two steps and begun to tickle her she was squirming in rapturous bliss.

I grabbed her toes and started reciting

This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had...

 Annie didn't let me finish. She squealed

"ROAST BEEF!"

and so of course I had to start all over again. Daddy can't be interrupted doing the little piggies.

We played for twenty minutes or so, and even put a call in to my 82 year-old grandmother so she could hear the laughter and joy her great-granddaughter was experiencing. It made her day... and for that brief few minutes on a Sunday morning as the sun streamed through the windows, we were one of those families in the magazines.

It was perfection. 

I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Of course, my Type A personality eventually took over. I mentioned our agenda for the morning. I indicated that beds needed to be made, children needed to be dressed, and we needed to eat breakfast and be out the door by 9am.

Chaos reigned. Children cried. Knots had to be brushed out of hair. No one wanted to do all of that. Because just for a brief moment there had been no agenda, no rush, no commitments. We were together, and that was all that mattered.

I've already planned next Sunday morning (yes... Type A coming through again). The agenda is set. It involves a little less focus on deadlines, a bit more tickling, and lots more cuddles. I don't want 20 minutes of perfection next Sunday. This time we're shooting for 30!

Why Children Lie - and what you can do about it

A friend of mind told the following story about her daughter, Ashley:

Ashley did a poo on the kitchen floor and when I asked her what it was, she told me it was chocolate. I told her I thought it was poo and she insisted that 

"no, it's chocolate." 

So I asked her to eat it. She stared at it for a long time then woefully cried, 

 "It's poo!"

According to Dr House (who had to have been the coolest TV Dr ever - sorry Dr Who fans), everybody lies.


And our kids are part of that 'everybody'.

The question is,

Why do our kids lie to us?

The more threatened our children feel, the more subversive our children will become.

They know it upsets us. The know they'll get into even more trouble for lying.Yet they persist in telling porkies. Whether it's not telling the whole truth, offering a white lie, being deceptive, or simply telling a BIG FAT LIE, most kids lie about stuff at least some of the time.

A study published in the highly respected journal Child Development provides a clue as to why kids lie - and the problem may have more to do with us and less to do with the children than we might like to admit.

In this study, researchers compared the lying behaviour of children from a highly punitive environment (where doing the wrong thing led to physical and emotional punishment) with the lying behaviour of children from a non-punitive environment (where there was no fear of physical punishment for 'wrongdoing').

Children (aged around 4 years) were asked to sit in a room one at a time with their back to the experimenter. The experimenter played a sound from a toy and the children were asked to guess what kind of a toy it was. First, a baby doll made a noise. Then a barking dog made a noise. The third toy was a lion, but it played a tune from a greeting card, so it wasn't related to the toy at all. Before the child could guess the toy, the experimenter told the child she had to leave the room to get something from the car. She placed a third toy on the ground behind the child, explained what she had done, and told the child not to look at it. Then she left the room for 60 seconds while a video recorder filmed the children's behaviour.

The experimenter then re-entered the room unaware of whether the child had peeked. She covered the toy with the cloth she had 'forgotten' in the car, and invited the child to turn around to see her and the covered toy. Then she asked

"Did you peak at the toy?"

Across both groups, over 80% of children peeked at the toy! And there was no difference in the average amount of time they took to peek.

So we have fact #1: Most children will do stuff they're not supposed to do. It didn't matter whether they were from a punitive or a non-punitive environment. Kids are naturally curious. They naturally push against limits. They love to explore and find answers to their questions. And they don't regulate their behaviour particularly well... if they want to do something, they just do it.

The key question, however, is whether or not they lied about it.

There was a significant difference between the groups. The children from the punitive environment were nearly 12 times more likely to lie about whether they'd peeked. About 70% of them lied. It's important to note that the experimenters took into account a range of other factors that might be related to lying. The children were essentially from the same environment with the exception of the 'discipline' strategy emphasised.

So fact #2: Children from environments where punishment is the norm are far more likely to lie than children from environments where they feel safe.

Finally, the experimenter asked the children to guess what toy was under the cloth. This is where it gets interesting. Not only were the children from the punitive environment more likely to lie, but they were also more advanced in their lie telling. That is, they told convincing lies that suggested they really didn't know what was under the cloth. In contrast, the children who were from a non-punitive environment who lied about peeking were actually lousy liars. When asked what the toy was, they couldn't help but blurt out that it was a lion even though they claimed not to have peeked.

So fact #3: Children from punitive environments become crafty to avoid punishment, whereas children from safer environments make lousy liars.

In short, this study suggests that parents who promote punitive environments through punishment for wrongdoing not only foster dishonesty in their children, but they also enhance their children's ability to lie to conceal their forbidden behaviour. The more threatened our children feel, the more subversive our children will become.

What to do about lying

Don't ask questions you already know the answer to.
If you know your child smashed the plate, don't ask "Did you do that?" because self preservation will kick in and your child is almost certain to shake his head and say "No." Then he'll be in trouble for lying and smashing the plate. Instead, say what you know.

"You've smashed the plate. I'm upset. That plate was important to me."

If you don't know what happened, be up front about it. "I don't know what happened but I can tell that there's been a problem here. Please explain it to me."

Now you can move on to the next part of the interaction

Eliminate the threat of punishment
It sounds counter-intuitive, but eliminating the threat of punishment will promote better behaviour and truth-telling. Remember that discipline is not about 'punishment'. It's about teaching good ways to act. So when our children understand that they're not going to get whacked or sent to their room, they are more likely to tell us the truth.

If you suspect you are being lied to, ask follow up questions
Let your children know their story doesn't make sense. Invite them to explain it one more time.

Explain that in your family, you tell the truth.
Your children will understand this. If they've done something 'wrong' and they tell you the truth, work together on a solution that will help them act appropriately in the future. Ask them questions. Have their involvement in getting things right.

Be an example of honesty
Prove Dr House wrong. If your children catch you lying, you're toast. So be a model of what you expect them to be. Kids have a mega-hypocrisy sensor and they'll find your lies out just as fast as you find theirs - maybe faster.

Other than for self-preservation, are there any other reasons your children lie? What's the best one you've heard?

Source: Talwar, V., & Lee, K. (2011). A punitive environment fosters children's dishonesty: A natural experiment. Child Development, 82, 1751-1758.

A Mother Who Made It Special

Mothers have a special place. Who can say enough about their mother? We each have our own special, world's best mother.
My mother always put us, her kids, before herself. I remember one time my class at school was having a special occasion and classmates were taking treats to share with the whole class. I went to bed the night before, thinking I wasn't going to have a treat to take. My mother knew I was wanting to take something but it was last minute and she was worn out and I didn't have any ideas. I woke the morning of to find the table loaded with chocolate cookie monster cupcakes that she had craftily styled with blue icing and bits of chip ahoy cookies that she had laboriously spent most of the night preparing.
My brother still talks about the time he wanted Indian pants for a school report he was giving in school. Mother stayed up another night and, with the thrift she always had, somehow sewed something together with fringes down the side. She had eight kids and we each had our own desires and passions. However did she keep up with us to make us feel special? Was it critical or necessary to go above and beyond? No. But that's what makes her who she is. She made sacrifices for even the little things that meant something to us. She also taught me a great many things by the way she helped others outside our family. Countless times, she would be on the phone talking to someone else in need, preparing extra food for dinner for someone else in unfortunate times- even when we did not have much ourselves, and staying late after activities to help the wearied hosts clean up. That is the woman she is. I could stay up all night myself adding to these stories and the lessons learned.
Although Mother's Day isn't and shouldn't be the only day we express our love to our mothers, it does bring about occasion to send extra heartfelt gratitude and appreciation, and finding even simple yet meaningful ways to do it.
How about those new and soon-to-be mothers out there? Congratulations! Motherhood is a special calling entrusted to you from a loving Heavenly Father. Amidst the joy, as well as perhaps the overwhelming feeling of a daunting task that lies ahead, comes a new and beautiful journey.
Happy Mother's Day.

Rebuilding Your Family History

Investigating your family involves who they are, what they did, where they were born, when they died, and sometimes why they did what they did. It comes down to learning your personal history. It is a great way to teach your children to be aware of their past and to develop an interest so they can learn to search further back. It can be exciting and is a great learning experience.

Where should you start?

One of the easiest ways to get other members of your family involved is to pull out your old selection of pictures that you probably have stored away in a shoe box somewhere. It is always interesting to scan through these memories of past generations. But do you know who is in the picture and when it was taken?

Plan on having a family get together. Place the pictures that you need more information on in an album with plastic sleeves. Number each picture and provide a numbered list to each family member so they can look at the individual pictures and list the name of who they think it is and the place where it was taken and when. They can also add a note or two about how the person in the picture is somehow related to your family history.

If anyone in your family has researched your family genealogy, ask them to bring the information with them to the get together. They might be able to add more details or information that was not known previously.

Request Basic Information

Hand out information sheets to each person, including the younger generation, and ask them to fill it out for the new "Family Tree" you plan on creating. Ask simple question and provide an area on the form for them to write down comments.

Some suggested questions:

• Name
• Date of Birth
• Place of Birth
• When Married
• Name of Spouse
• Mother's Name
• Mother's date of birth
• Mother's date of death
• Father's Name
• Father's date of birth
• Father's date of death

You can have questions that include names of other relatives and if a family member is deceased they can include where they were buried. The more information and knowledge you can gather the better off you will be.

Your Job After the Party is Over

Now that you have all this information it is your turn to put it in some semblance of order. Purchase a special pen to write on the back of each picture the basic information: name(s) of people in the picture; the date it was taken (or approximate date); where it was taken; and if it was for a special occasion (wedding, baptism etc.).

Fill out the other information on either genealogical forms or input into a genealogical software program. A very advanced but user friendly software program is Family Tree Maker. It is also rated as the #1 software available. It can be purchased in both PC version and Apple version. Legacy and Roots Maker are two other software programs that are rated 2nd and 3rd in popularity.

A Look At The Different Types And Styles Of Wooden Shed

Apex Roof Or Pent Roof
The style of roof is probably the most obvious change you can make to a shed; however it might not make as much difference to the functionality as you might think. An apex roof will have a central ridge, usually running from front to back, from which it will slope down to the walls. A pent roof is one continuous slope from a higher wall to a lower one. You should ensure you have enough headroom, otherwise choose the style of roof that you prefer the look of.
Tongue And Groove Or Overlap
The walls of wooden sheds are generally either tongue and groove or overlap. For overlap walls the individual slats simply overlap each other, this makes for a simple and effective barrier against the weather, but will not keep out draughts. For tongue and groove walls the slats are designed to slot together, this means that a tongue and groove panel is more durable and draught-proof, however the extra work required in manufacturing does increase the cost. Generally overlap panelling is ideal for storage space, particularly of gardening tools, whereas tongue and groove is suited for workshops.
Shed Treatment
All wooden sheds should come with a base treatment that will protect them during delivery and assembly; you would then need to treat the shed yourself. Many manufacturers also offer a top coat treatment option on their sheds which will then mean you do not need to treat the shed yourself until a new coat is required, usually a year or so later. The final option is to have the panels pressure treated; this allows you to never worry about treating the shed yourself as the pressure treatment will fully protect the wood. Your choice should generally be decided by whether you feel you can put the effort into treating the building yourself, and if not it might be worth paying the extra for pressure treatment.
Door Style
The range of doors goes far beyond just single or double doors. You can find sheds with stable doors and joinery doors, which means built with a solid framework. Always consider the size of the door opening when choosing your shed, obviously you need your door to be wide enough for anything you might want to put inside your shed.
Glazing Options
Most sheds come with horticultural glass as standard which is generally about 3mm thick. Horticultural glazing will generally break into shards when damaged making it unsuitable for those who have children who might injure themselves. In these cases, toughened glass or styrene can be used as a far safer alternative. Toughened glass is similar to the glazing used for cars in that it will shatter into small pieces which are far less dangerous, whereas styrene is a plastic based option that is much less likely to break.
1. Overall, there are plenty of different options that will allow you to ensure you end up with the right shed for you. There are plenty more that I have not even mentioned in this article, but hopefully I have given you a good starting point for considering what features are necessary for your purposes and also what non-essential features you would like.
2. Hopefully this article has given you plenty of ideas on how to decide on the right shed for you. Always consider the purpose of your shed when making decisions on its features, there is no point spending a fortune if it is just for simple storage, whereas you might regret not adding a few more upgrades if you are going to be using it as a workshop.

How to Stay In-Charge - How a Father Should Parent His Children

Today's pop culture has relegated the role of the father as a sideline figure. He has become a man who merely observes the family matters and hardly ever makes a semi-inspirational conversation. This is a disservice to fathers and a bad example for any new father to follow. A father's presence is paramount in any family and his presence, both emotional and physical, has a significant impact on the children.

Take a conscious interest in your child's life. Ask them about their day, talk to them about their hobbies. Don't be over bearing but help your child understand that you genuinely want to have conversation flowing with them. It's not that you become a friend, remain in your parental authority, reprimand when you should but always keep the avenue for discussion open. Your children will not only respect you due to the rapport you have established, but will also have a keener understanding of your expectations of them which they will be more excepting of as they are not being thrown in their faces in the form of anger or disappointment.

Similarly involve your children in your life. You don't need to tell them everything but actions that will in some way or the other impact the family unit should be related to them and their opinion listened to and respected. This will not only increase the bond that you have but create an understanding that as a family you have shared responsibilities and every one counts equally.

Play catch with your daughter; take your son to cooking classes. Fathers can play a major role in breaking gender roles and how their children conceive of themselves. Such acts will show your children that there are no societal boundaries on what they can do and aspire for.

Respect their mother. You cannot expect your children to show respect for you if you are rude towards one of the most important figures in their life, especially in their formative stages. Do not insult or shout at each other in front of the children, arguments are inevitable but remember to conduct your self as the adults you are.

Your children will love you no matter what. You are their father and you matter but how much they respect you goes hand in hand with how much effort you put into building up a solid and a two-way relationship. If you're able to do this, you'll realise that your ability to stay in charge will also increase.